After Sunday's nightmares, I couldn't sleep more than an hour at a time until sometime Tuesday afternoon, when I actually got 6 hours' sleep. It wasn't just the usual insomnia. It was my eyelids going Spooooiiiinggg! An almost horrific alertness. By Wednesday I was exhausted and crashing, sleeping hard.
That's also when the general ache stopped. The pain triggers me, then the triggering keeps me hypervigilant. This is going to be an interesting cycle -- but it's a chance to change the associations I have with that sensation, to give it a new and happier significance.
Some other very bizarre effects are showing up. Energy -- and yes, I can tell the difference between the stressful alertness of hypervigilance and increased energy. Cheerfulness. A different appetite -- not craving carbs, but actually cooking different interesting foods for myself. Desire to *do* things.
For a long time I was in a Bartleby state: whatever it was, I preferred not to. That apathy is receding. I baked bread the other day, something I love but have rarely done the past few years. Also, one day I sorted out old clothes -- three bags' worth of stuff I can't or don't wear for the NoLose/Big Moves sale, plus some old stuff with holes for the trash.
I'm also more talkative and playful. I asked Michele if she would still love me now, and she said, "Of course. I remember when you had more energy."
"Then thanks for still loving me when I turned into a vegetable."
"You were an artichoke. Prickly but so delicious."
OK, not quite a vegetable. In the past year or so I've achieved a fair bit: I've taught myself Wordpress and Joomla, gotten the Lynnkendall.com and another site designed and up, revived Berkana Press, done a lot of freelance work, written a fair bit on the novel, researched enormously on it, and continued working on the apartment. All while doing intense psychological work. But it was all an uphill struggle, and there wasn't much will or energy left for anything extraneous.
It took all I had to get to this place. And that's OK.( Collapse )