May 29th, 2010

breathe, asthma

Regaining Traction

It is genuinely amazing how much better my life is getting. Sure, I still have a lot of practical problems -- a broken car, very little money, and a revived case of asthma. It's going to be a struggle, but that's not a problem. This is a fight I can win, because I'm getting my traction back.

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Now the spiral is going the other way. Doing a good job of editing makes me feel strong and proud. Living with the family gives me much more contact with people, and it also means I am less terrified about money. Being able to relax a bit about that has reduced my terror level to the point where I can write again -- not just posts, but, you know, writing. And that strengthens my voice. The regained sense of smell isn't complete, but it's a delight as far as it goes, and I do not take it for granted.

I dreamed the other night that I was watching the ground flowing like a river, then rise in waves like the sea. I walked barefoot across the grassy hills, and in the dream I could feel every blade of grass, and the slight yielding of damp earth -- an ecstatic feeling for me, in life as well as dreams. Then I lay down on the hillside and dug my hands into the soft earth. It had the crumbly semi-solidity of halvah, and it tasted something like halvah, too, but with an edge of ginger. Yes, I fed myself directly with the dirt. It was delicious.
  • Current Music
    Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road