Stone of stumbling and rock of offense (wordweaverlynn) wrote,
Stone of stumbling and rock of offense
wordweaverlynn

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Aftermath

A little more than 2 weeks ago, something happened that was the emotional equivalent of having a fragmentation grenade hurled into my life. Even while it was happening, I kept thinking, "The life I had is over. It's all going to be different now."

How it's different right now is that I'm seriously triggered and living in suspense. I'm tending the others with emotional wounds as well as I can. I'm leaning on the small circle of friends who know what's happening. We're all waiting for an external event that we cannot influence but that can damned well disrupt our lives even further. I'm trying to lay aside my own distress to take care of those closer to the (metaphorical) explosion.

Until the way forward is clearer, I can't be more specific. How bad is it? This is a Major Goddamned Fucking Horror. No, I don't mean emptying and condensing the storage unit, though that's still on my list to get finished in the next 2 weeks. This was bad enough that I haven't seen or listened to a single post-season baseball game.

When you're going through Hell, keep going. Unfortunately, my brain takes this as "Run around the squirrel cage 24/7." Not sleeping much, although I'm dreaming again. The first week there were no dreams because I never sank that deep into REM sleep. By now, I'm too tired to function and too wired to sleep -- bad combination.

I am trying. Doing what work I can, despite being almost paralyzed with anxiety. I'm a good two weeks behind in my freelance work. Catching up won't be easy.

But it's hard. Any words of encouragement you may have would be appreciated.
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